I have two teens (son and daughter) that recently (this past December) began living more with their dad as they wanted to expore more time living with him. This was actually more of my teen daughter's idea as she did not like the way I was raising her. %26quot;Turn down the music...it's 11:00 at night%26quot;, %26quot; Clean up your mess in the kitchen %26quot;, %26quot; Don't swear at me %26quot;...etc. Daughter is 16, son is 14.
I agreed to allow them to explore living with their dad who is a good dad...He just always spoiled them. I was married 23 yrs, peacefully divorced about 5 yrs. now and previously had 80% custody. I was the main parent...them mostly having ' playtime ' with the dad.
Anyway...now that their with him more, I've been finding it hard to put their things away as I miss them so much and having their stuff laying around brings an odd comfort to me.
Any suggestions as to how I can move past this emotional attachment to their left behind ' messes ' and feel fine about re-claiming my own space more?I keep procrastinating cleaning up my kids space since custody recently changed. Need guidance.?If no one ever reads this, it has been somewhat therapeutic to write (and rewrite) it. I thank you in advance for the question.
Here's the thing... Until the last sentince of your first paragraph I thought you might be my ex-wife. I may be uniquely qualified to share with you what the other side of the equation looks like. Each situation is different but I would encourage you not to mothball the kids' space yet.
I've rewritten this four time so that it doesn't sound like I am blaming the children. That would be inaccurate. But I want you to know that this is no picnic. My teens are the same age as yours with the genders reversed. My ex-wife tightly controlled the visitation I got and declined to participate in the 600 mile round trip necessary to make it happen. When we did have the kids I didn't take time off, I didn't play Disneyland Dad, I lived my life the way I normally would so the kids wouldn't have a false idea of what living with dad would be like.
Before I go any further let me disclose that I am a social worker and my wife works is a Teacher's Assistant working with high needs children. I tell you this to point out that from the outside looking in, we have all the technical skills %26quot;on staff%26quot; so to speak to address these common problems in other people's lives. Nevertheless, it is a completely different animal when hell comes home.
What I have learned is that teenagers are the most self absorbed, ungrateful, parasites known to man. My wife and I have been through actual stages of mourning over the loss of the children we thought we knew. We now go through our days numbly trying to protect our nine year old daughter (who didn't know that there were bad people in the world until her sister moved in) and keep the older kids in school and therapy. At this point, if mom were in any shape to parent I would gladly send them back and triple the child support.
My guess is that your ex-husband is learning that it takes a lot of time, financial and emotional resources to be Disneyland Dad. It's not hard to keep it up for a few weeks during the summer. It really sucks if it becomes your daily existence. And teenagers expect it to continue. At some point he and his wife are going to get tired. They will begin to long for the life they used to have before the kids came. They may begin to resent the children's role in the death (or at least catatonia) of their American Dream.
When the joy ride is over, the kids may find that they were actually happier living with you. For so many reasons that I can't quite admit to myself yet, let alone broadcast to the world, I encourage you to take heart. Don't pack all the stuff up just yet (especially if it gives you comfort). You may not be done using it.I keep procrastinating cleaning up my kids space since custody recently changed. Need guidance.?I've always found a messy home to be depressing in itself. Maybe if you clean up, you wouldn't have the constant reminder. Be happy in knowing that your kids are doing fine and the Dad is a good Dad. It's time for you to have some time for yourself, after being a wife and a mom, then a single mom, you deserve it.I keep procrastinating cleaning up my kids space since custody recently changed. Need guidance.?Don't rush yourself. Besides, it's not like they moved to Mars! They will be back, if not to live, then for weekends and holidays. It will probably be good for all 3 of you if their stuff is still there for them. I wouldnt leave a mess laying all over the house, maybe put it in their rooms. And anyway, now that Dad is the residential parent, it won't be all fun and games at his house anymore. That will get to be your role. Make the most of it, and have fun with them when you have them!I keep procrastinating cleaning up my kids space since custody recently changed. Need guidance.?I have no experience with teens. Of course I'm going to give you my 2 cents...
shovel it into their rooms and close the door. Clean the rest of your house and get a hobby and/or take some college courses. Learning something new will invigorate you. (that I do have experience with, going back to college after 10 years as an at home mother) Find some new friends and enjoy LIFE! You are finally FREE! You might even find a new beau!I keep procrastinating cleaning up my kids space since custody recently changed. Need guidance.?You have recognized that the problem is you procrastinating...that the first step. Now, just start with one thing at a time and clean up the mess or put away the items. As you start you will find that it becomes easier.I keep procrastinating cleaning up my kids space since custody recently changed. Need guidance.?If I were you I'd let the good times roll!!! Obviously you let your whole world focus around them. It's time to get to know you . Just think in a few years they'll be off to college and what will you have ? Better now then later .If I were you , I'd pick up the pieces,clean up the mess (In your head) . And enjoy life it's not like you are no longer a part of their life .They need their space and a break from each other is just what the doctor ordered.Think of this as a new chapter in your life and soon you'll be doing just fine.well good luck to you.and best wishesI keep procrastinating cleaning up my kids space since custody recently changed. Need guidance.?You are moving towards being an empty nester. I don't find a messy house comfy, I would be busy making their rooms inviting when they come to visit. Then close the door and get on with pampering myself. Enjoy the peace and quiet while you can.
