I love my kids so much but I feel they barely love me. 6 years ago I left a mentally abusive marriage, Unhealthy for all to be in I left with nothing but my clothes and my car. My ex was controlling to say the least. He had the money to get an attorney to do the divorce and if I wanted out I must agree to everything he wanted. I agreed to shared parenting, he got residential parenting for school purposes, I pay half of medical bills all of school expenses, clothes, all the gifts for bdays and Christmas, their friends birthdays, sports they are in, and anything else that comes along. Lately I feel like they don't want to be with me at all, they say nothing to make me think that but their dad feel their head with how worthless I am, how I have nothing for them to be proud of. I was a young mom 20, and I am in school full time I work full time I am married now and have done everything I can to better my self. I can't go back and change custody because I can't prove he is unfit, I can't prove he has trashed my reputation, or that he tells them to put up with me so they get nicer Christmas gifts. Its all a gut feeling I have by how distant my kids are to me no matter how much I try. I am not about to buy their love but at what point do I say enough is enough I need to be appreciated also. For example I ask them to do chores for some of what they want me to buy for them, they don't do it at all or do it half way and quit. If I cut them off or don't buy them something their dad says that I am a terrible mother and I don't honor my responsibilities. I miss being appreciated and loved. If I get upset about anything they don't come over they say they have to go to their friends and then I hardly see them. I feel like I am going crazy but I cant keep buying them everything just so they spend time with me. But if I cut them off, I will never see them and I will miss them like crazy. They are 10 and 14. I know they are too young too see their dad has brainwashed them, but I am sick of it. I am going to broke and my heart is all ready broke. How do you say good buy to ungrateful kids that you love with all your heart.How do I win my kids love back?I can't believe that any mother would be willing to be say good-bye to their children regardless of what they are doing. They are at an awkward age. It's hard to have to switch from one home to another. It's normal to want to stay with their friends in their own bed. It is also statistically proven that no matter whose fault it is, most children will always blame the mother for a break up in a marriage. If the mom cheats and/or leaves, she is the monster. If the dad cheats and leaves or abusives the mom, mom somehow caused him to act like that. I would imagine it is our strong bond with our mothers that somehow makes us feel let down by them when life becomes difficult. My first suggestion is to stop making your money contingent upon what they do for you. I would make chores a part of their responsibility to your family. If they NEED money for something and it's reasonable then you pay it. You are capable of making a decision and clearly explaining why you will or will not pay for something. They are old enough to understand what your expectations in your home are and what his are whether they like it or not. You are capable of spending quality time with your children and developing a relationship where you can make it clear about how you feel about them. Go to counseling if you all need it. Coming over to your house should not be used as blackmail to get what they want. You have legal rights to have them so unless they have something special to do they need to be at your home. You need to get a back bone and make it clear with your husband that he is only hurting the kids by putting all this garbage in their head. If he was truly a great dad he would want his children to have a healthy relationship with both their mom and dad. If you keep doing the right thing I believe children will eventually come out on the other side of the tunnel. Be patient. They are young now but eventually they will be adults too. They will then be able to see things more clearly but if you leave they will only know that you deserted them.How do I win my kids love back?Pay for what is court ordered. Quit renting your kids' love , only do with them what is free. Only fund what you want to.Save your money make your home the fun zone that you can enjoy and your kids can come share with their Mom. You are financing their contempt for you. One sit them down explain yourself,give them more credit,and yourself. Don't berate their dad ,use indefinite terms and phrases. Rehearse what is on your heart. I empathize with you,you are helping your ex belittle your children's mother. This course of action won't be easy,love will come after you have their respect.How do I win my kids love back?hi i'm 16 so i might be able to see how your kids sees, kinda know what they want. But i don't think walking out on them like what you are saying is really what they need right now. They need their parents. They need your love, your understanding. I am sorry for all that you have been through. And i also am sorry for your kids. i'm nooooooooooooooot saying that you two are bad parents. oh please don't take it that way at all. I'm just saying to try and put yourself in their shoes. Your mom and dad might fight, they see/hear it. if my parents got into verbal fights, it hurt me really bad. even though it wasn't at me or about me. just seeing my parents fight. (this here might be the way they see it ---) You left them. you left them with thier father who might not be great to them. they might wonder why you didn't save them. yes the father most likely is brainwashing them, but hang in there. when they are older, you'll be able to tell them everything, and they'll be able to see that what the father says wasn't all true. you need to let them know you are their for them, that you love them, and to me, toys and gifts are not going to buy me. (although i'm different that way than most) I think they just really want their mommy. maybe their father has them do tons of chores over there. so when they're with you its %26quot;oh no, not more, i don't need this%26quot; Maybe you should try to sit down and have a talk with them. be gentle. but ask them how they feel about you leaving like you did. they'll probably not want to open up for awhile atleast. but be gentle. explain to them that you can't always get them the gifts that they want, money might be tight. but you want to love them. that you are there for them, that they can talk to you about anything. try to spend time with them. be gentle, try not to get angry with them/at them. (it hurts like crazy when people get mad at me. so just saying) Try to sketch with them or something. listen to music together maybe. do something that they want to do. tell them that you would like to spend time with them, that they can hang out with their friends, but you would like some time too. try to show them that you love them, and not by gifts. i mean spend time with them, be gentle, and loving. try to kick a ball around or something. ask for their cooperation, and explain your side of the story too.
just love them and be gentle and calm.
hope i was able to help, sorry it was so long.How do I win my kids love back?It seems to me you worry too much about what your ex husband of six years ago thinks of you.
You know, kids have brains of their own, and they tend to use them well. At this time, both kids are young, but as the years go by they will %26quot;see%26quot; the reality of each of their parents and what type of person they are. Your ex or you don't have to help them along. So, if he says you're a bad person and parent, yes he may have an influence on the kids at their young age. However, give it a while, and they will see he's bitter and controlling.
Meanwhile, there's no need to say anything negative to them about their father. If he wants to be a jerk, let him be one.
We aren't here to %26quot;buy something%26quot; for our kids every time we turn around. Don't say %26quot;yes%26quot; when you mean %26quot;no%26quot;... set some limits. Kids need to learn that money doesn't grow on trees. They won't die if you say %26quot;no%26quot; once in a while... believe me, it's true
Do you pay child support or not? If so, that's plenty and you shouldn't have to share the load for school clothes, supplies, etc. Let him buy the stuff. They live with him, not you. If you aren't paying child support and want to help ,then help -- but don't pay for everything.
As far as a change in custody, i would worry about what the kids want to do. At about 12 years old, in most States, a child can state which parent he or she wants to live with.
If YOU want to give the kids something from YOU for their birthday and other special holidays, then do it. Let your ex buy something himself. You're not responsible to do his shopping.
Maybe your kids would appreciate spending quality time with you -- go for hikes, bake and decorate christmas cookies together, teach them how to play cards and other games... spend interactive time together.
It seems to me you have turned into a walking ATM card.... it's not right. You shouldn't go broke because your kids are spoiled 1/2 to death. ..... If i had to struggle between not seeing them, or seeing them because they wanted my money, i'd rather not see them for a while. Believe me, they will come around in due time.
I had issues with my ex, as well, and i thought of the child's happiness and the leadership he needed from at least ONE parent.. so i provided the leadership, his father was bossy, miserable and manipulative. My son lived with him from 14 - 18 years old, as well.
Today my son is 23 years old and no longer speaks to his father because of the way he talked about me, and his manipulating.
I think that eventually, what comes around really does go around!
