Ok, so here is my situation. My ex-husband works A LOT! He always has and I%26#039;ve accepted that he always will. Here is my problem: he currently has every other weekend and every Thursday night (that way on his weekends he has a good chunk of time with our 3 year old son). That works fine in the winter, but once the weather gets warmer, he starts working 6 days a week, then 7.
Last summer his working (and leaving my son with babysitters and family) really upset my son. His behavior got out of control, he cried all the time for his Dad, and he was upset that he had to sleep at other people%26#039;s houses. (I%26#039;m not sure why the over nights.. he only works during the day.) Anyway, now we are in that season again and the issues are starting already.
It should be noted that things between me and my ex are terrible. He%26#039;s got some medically diagnosed mental issues so he%26#039;s difficult to deal with. Anyway, bottom line is that I just told him this morning that from now on if he is working, he can%26#039;t have my son.
I realize that this is already going to cause instability for my son - never knowing when he%26#039;ll see his dad, different days of the week - and that%26#039;s what I really want to avoid. However I think more time with me and varied visitation with his Dad is better than being bounced around.
So, finally, here is my question: my ex-husband asked if since he won%26#039;t have weekends again until July (at which point he%26#039;ll have Sunday%26#039;s) can he have him more during the week.
What do I do? How much change to I allow? Is it okay to change the custody completely 3 times a year based on the season? Please help!!!What is the right custody arrangement?A three-year-old doesn%26#039;t have much of a sense of time and won%26#039;t be confused by an irregular visitation schedule, he just needs some dad-time. What%26#039;s a %26quot;random visit%26quot; to you is just another pleasant event to a three-year-old. He doesn%26#039;t know what day or time anything happens yet.
If week-day overnights are difficult, a few good hours when dad can be relaxed with him would be better than waiting longer between visits for longer visits. It won%26#039;t hurt to keep it loose-but-often this way at least until he starts school and requires a more stable schedule. I wouldn%26#039;t even push the overnights at this age, coming home to his own bed will provide plenty of stability to be fine with an irregular visitation schedule.
I know it%26#039;s hard to feel like you%26#039;re knocking yourself out to accommodate somebody you probably don%26#039;t like much right now Just try to keep reminding yourself that all this energy making visits with his dad work out is an excellent investment in your son%26#039;s self-image and emotional well-being years down the road.
Sounds like you%26#039;re really giving it your best effort....and I%26#039;m confident your best is going to be plenty good enough.What is the right custody arrangement?I say work with him. He wants his son, let himhave him to spend time with him. Make sure that he is actually going to be with his dad and then go with it. Your son will thank you for it someday!What is the right custody arrangement?Bottom line. Your kid won%26#039;t care what day of the week he sees his dad. He will only care THAT he sees his dad.What is the right custody arrangement?You are legally in the wrong, and your ex could take you to court and easily override your prohibition against him working during visitation.
Single parents work, especially dads, and you can%26#039;t prohibit visitation based on that.
In addition to being contrary to law, it%26#039;s unethical of you to take this position.
If you didn%26#039;t want your child to spend time alone with his dad, with his dad in charge, deciding how he would be cared for, you should have stayed married.
EDIT: Confuse him in what way? Children are incredibly adaptable. It%26#039;s hard to believe you%26#039;re flexible when you seem rigid and controlling. It%26#039;s also unconscionable to inhibit visitation because your ex lets you call all the shots.What is the right custody arrangement?Yes, it%26#039;s certainly OK to change custody 3 times/year based on the season. Custody is for the benefit of the child, and not something that must fit any arbitrary distinction you want to make. Since the father leaves the boy with others when he%26#039;s working, it makes sense that your son stay with you at those times--it%26#039;s better for your son that way. It%26#039;s also good for your son to see his father, so it%26#039;s not unreasonable of your ex to want time made up if time is taken away at other points of the year. If your ex is a REAL asshole, then he%26#039;ll refuse to allow you to change things without a new custody hearing in court, and you may find that you lose and your son gets to stay with him even though he leaves the boy with a sitter--which would be awful. It is better if the two of you can work out an equitable arrangement without that interference--an arrangement that will be best for your son. Because as it is now, I don%26#039;t think you have the legal right to say he %26quot;can%26#039;t have my son.%26quot; It%26#039;s the court%26#039;s decision, not yours. So if your husband nevertheless is working with you on this, then you should work with him on it, too.What is the right custody arrangement?I think compromising for the best interest of your child is what%26#039;s right. If your ex can spend time with him on Thursday nights, and your child wants to be there, you should let him. Allow as much change as you need to make your son happy.
I commend you for keeping an open mind even though your ex husband can be difficult. I hope more single parents take a positive example from your post. Your priorities are in the right place. Good luck to you.What is the right custody arrangement?Every situation is unique. Having said that, every developmental book on the topic recommends frequent contact with BOTH parents unless a parent is abusive. Can you find some room for compromise that allows more time with his dad? Even a few hours each evening is better then infrequent contact. And it is perfectly fine to change the schedule as often as you need to in order for him to see his dad and in order for you to feel comfortable your son is well cared for.
My ex has a crazy work schedule. He works a rotating 12 hour shift. We have arranged it so when he is on night work, the kids stay with me. But any other time, he sees them frequently. It means a mess for me to keep track of because some weeks it means they spend 3 nights with him, some weeks they spend 4 nights, some weeks 2 nights. But it is best for THEM.
I have to remind myself of that frequently when I am trying to figure out if I have a free weekend or can plan a work related trip.
And their dad and I do NOT have a good relatioship either. I%26#039;ve learned to ignore the %26#039;grunts%26#039; and just keep my head up.
My two are in middle school now and it is VERY hard at times. Homework gets left at one house or the other, musical instruments get left behind, and don%26#039;t even get me started on school projects that require a week or more to complete. Those age me 10 years trying to keep track of what their dad has helped with and what I need to help them finish up.
Just keep what is best for your son as the objective and it will be fine.What is the right custody arrangement?Your son is very young and stability is important. However, it is also important that his father be an ongoing and well-established part of the boy%26#039;s life. I recommend that you be as flexible with schedules as you can, accommodating your ex%26#039;s schedules where it is possible to include more time during the week if he will be with his son during that visitation.
You are on good ground to insist that if your 3 year old son is visiting with his father, then he ought not to be sent to babysitters or other relatives to accommodate your ex%26#039;s work at those times. As for changing timing during the year, just put every change (and the reason for it) in writing and both of you sign it as a %26quot;temporary%26quot; change to visitation. As your son gets older and school becomes a factor, much of this will go away.What is the right custody arrangement?yeah work with him. he should spend all the time he can with his son.
don%26#039;t interfere with their bond, your son may resent you for this in the future.
asWhat is the right custody arrangement?First of all, you%26#039;re too hung up on what is court ordered. Court orders are for people who can%26#039;t figure it out on thier own.
Secondly, your child has the right to see both parents as much as possible. If you were still together, your child would only see his dad when dad was not working. So.. what makes this any different?
What will be best for you son is to be allowed to spend time with his dad whenever his dad can see him (unless it interferes with previous plans you%26#039;ve already made). Don%26#039;t worry about %26quot;changing custody%26quot;. Your son has no clue what the custody agreement is. Just be loving parents.
